You’ve probably been there.
You became “friends” with someone you really enjoyed being around. You shared laughs and cries with this person. You maybe even talked about being in each other’s weddings one day.
Then, all of a sudden…crickets.
You reach out over and over again with no response. You start to feel the friendship drifting apart and realize that you are the only one putting effort into the relationship.
And you have to make a decision in that moment. Do you keep reaching out and trying, or do you grieve a friendship you thought was closer than it really was?
The hard part about friendships is that they take work. Sometimes it means being inconvenienced because you have to show up when you may not feel like it. It means caring about someone that you don’t necessarily have to care about.
But the truth is, it takes two to create a friendship. This is why, when you do find a real friend, all your past “friendships” pale in comparison.
Now that I am older and have a few solid, real friends, I realize the friends I had growing up were not really friends at all (wow, how many times can I say the word “friends” in a sentence?). One thing I’ve realized about myself is that I’ve definitely thrown that word around pretty loosely.
I meet a girl at a coffee shop and have a great discussion, and all of a sudden I’m calling up my husband and saying: “Babe, I just made a new friend!” As a talkative person, I realize now—after looking at the definition of the word—that I only have a few actual friends.
If you’ve never looked up the definition for yourself, let me help you out:
Friend /frend/ noun
a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. (Oxford Languages)
Even with this most simple definition of the word, one thing stands out…the word “mutual.”
If you’ve never experienced mutual affection, not that it has to be at the same exact level, because people show affection differently, you may not have been in friendships after all.
Why do I speak so boldly about this? Because I’ve now realized the beauty of a true, mutual friend who genuinely cares about you, and it is such a sweet thing.
Can you imagine having someone who actually reaches out to you first, just because they wanted to check in and see how you are? Someone who is excited for you when you win and speaks life into you when you feel like a failure? Someone who you know isn’t speaking ill of you when you’re not around, and who will tell you to your face if they think you’re wrong?
If you’ve ever listened to Dr. John Delony, he says this frequently: “Behavior is a language.” The friendships you have in your life—what are they saying to you through their behavior?
Hear me when I say this: I am not saying that a real friend means you’re talking 24/7, or seeing each other every month, or that they need to buy you things. I’m not saying friends owe you their time or that if they forget to text back, they should be cut off. What I am saying is that not every “friend” you have is really a friend. They may just be a good acquaintance, and that’s okay.
Not every person in your life is going to “stick closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24), and that’s okay. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season. You can look back on your time together with joy and gratitude, remembering the lovely moments you shared. Others you’ll see frequently at church, at work, or at your favorite coffee shop, and your relationship may never go further than small conversations. These people still matter. They add sweetness to your life, even if they remain acquaintances.
And then there’s her. The friend who becomes more like a sister.
The one who shows up in both the ordinary days and the hard ones. The one who cheers you on without jealousy, challenges you with honesty, and loves you. These kinds of friendships are rare, and that’s what makes them so valuable.
But here’s the thing…friendship isn’t one-sided. Just like we desire people to reach out to us, check in on us, and make time for us, we have to be willing to do the same. A real friendship takes intentionality on both ends. Sometimes that means being the one to send the first text, to pray for them when they’re struggling, or to rearrange your day to be present when they need you most. It’s not always convenient, but it’s always worth it.
So if you’re in a season where you feel disappointed by friendships, don’t lose heart. The Lord has a way of bringing the right people into our lives at the right time. Treasure the acquaintances who add color to your days, but hold close the few who have proven to be true. And remember to be the kind of friend you hope to find. Because one real, mutual friendship is worth more than a hundred surface-level ones.
Sometimes we say we have friends at work, but typically they are just acquaintances. The moment one or the other of you switches to a new job communication usually stops.
I would say if you regularly get together outside of work and choose to spend your free time with each other that is a friendship.
Problem is, after you get married and have kids, and life gets busy and complicated… Friendships dry up. No one has time to get together with friends. You’re busy, then they are busy, next thing you know you’ve only seen them once in a year.
I have people I consider friends that I have now gone beyond a year without seeing them face-to-face. It happens. 🤷♂️
Thank you for the reminder that friendship isn’t on-sided. Often I feel that as someone who loves community and just being close to other people It’s difficult to find genuine relationships with other women in Christ, especially ones that will mutually respect and honor each other.